Benghazi

From Tara The Antisocial Worker

It’s the not-too-distant future, and the Republicans have decided that one more Benghazi hearing will undo the damage that they’ve done to themselves with all the previous ones. Hillary Clinton strolls in, autographs a couple of copies of her book for spectators, and takes her seat. A moment later, Trey Gowdy rushes in, still in costume from playing Draco in the new Harry Potter play.

GOWDY: Madam Secretary, do you know why we’re here?

CLINTON: More questions about Benghazi.

GOWDY: First of all, it’s BENGHAZI!!! All capitals, minimum three exclamation points.

CLINTON: As my friend Barack would say, please proceed, Congressman.

GOWDY: Did you personally murder US personnel at BENGHAZI!!! by bludgeoning them with a copy of Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals?

CLINTON: No.

GOWDY: Quit trying to be evasive and answer the question!

CLINTON: The answer is no.

GOWDY: Did Sidney Blumenthal kill them?

CLINTON: No.

GOWDY: How would you know that if you weren’t in Benghazi at the time? Were you in a hotel with Blumenthal somewhere, sending each other hot-and-heavy text messages and plotting to conceive a baby, abort it, and sell the fetal body parts?

CLINTON: No.

GOWDY: Was Saul Alinsky there in the hotel with you?

CLINTON: There was no hotel, and Saul Alinsky died in 1972.

GOWDY: Turning next to the subject of you emails, do you answer every email personally?

CLINTON: No.

GOWDY: Did you answer an email from a Nigerian Prince wanting to transfer millions of dollars into the US economy?

CLINTON: Definitely not.

GOWDY: Do you realize how that might have damaged US relations with Nigeria, where BENGHAZI!!! is located?

CLINTON: Benghazi is in Libya. With or without the exclamation points.

(Gowdy checks an atlas.)

GOWDY: Moving on, did you respond to emails offering herbal supplements, trips to Vegas, or discount Viagra?

CLINTON: Viagra? You remember who I’m married to, right?

GOWDY: I withdraw the question. Did you, Sidney Blumenthal, and Saul Alinsky conspire to murder Vince Foster in BENGHAZI!!! in order to cause these hearings and make Republicans look ridiculous?

CLINTON: No, there are much easier ways of making Republicans look ridiculous. Sometimes they’ll obligingly do it all by themselves.

GOWDY: You failed to reference Sidney Blumenthal in that answer! I’ll keep asking questions if it takes all the way until the 2016 election!

(Clinton checks her calendar.)

CLINTON: Actually, this hearing has gone all the way into 2029. I served my two terms, and we’re five years into the Sanders Administration.